Saturday, December 29, 2012
My year started out while I took a very extended vacation in Europe. I don't know about you, but for me long vacations are more about the internal journey, than they are about the experiences and the people met along the way. There is something that happens to oneself, when taken out of the daily grind and schedule of everyday life. It allows me to be closer to who I truly am, and not what my family, peers, or anyone in my regular company, have come to expect me to be. The experience of being alone in exploration of the world, allows a great deal of reflective thought. When I wrote last year's New Year entry... That's exactly where I was. Deep, in thought. Even though I seemed to be having a very fabulous time, with shoots and hot hookups in London, exploration of museums and art in Paris, and a crazy cool dance/fetish scene in Berlin... There was contemplation of what I was truly missing in my life, and what connections I really wanted to have with others on a deeper level. A transition in my life was necessary. It was that contemplation, that set the stage for the past year.
When I got back from Europe, I realized that there were friends I had... That weren't really my friends. If I wanted a deeper connection with friends, I would have to let my walls down a bit. I also would have to do more exploration of the pain and hurt I had in my life... If I wanted to let more happiness in. Ugh (eye roll). I took a trip to my hometown Toronto... And made a point of spending a great deal of time with family, both blood and chosen. It helped to center me before embarking on a path of a new me. My focus changed from playing the "Pornstar game", ie. networking, being fabulous, fucking a lot... To focusing on my health, both physical and mental, as well as communicating more with my family, or the friends I considered family. Apparently that inward change, started to be noticed by people outwardly... As photographers such as Mark Henderson shot me for a book, I was re-signed as an exclusive for Raging Stallion Studios, and I met a new friend who un-expectantly became the closest thing to a twin brother I've ever had. Something was happening, but I knew I still had more work to do.
He is the partner I always dreamed of, but never thought was real. It made me understand that all the other times I thought I was in love before... I really wasn't. We both shake our heads on a daily basis on how fortunate we feel to have found each other... After both of us searched our entire lives for the other. I now go into this year with faith restored in love for my friends, and in true love being possible and reflected back to me. To be in love with Thomas, who is, in essence, everything I could have ever asked for, is nothing short of amazing. He makes me happier than anything or anyone I've ever known.
So, this has been my journey. This has been my year. And all the pain, anger, frustration, sadness had a reason... If it all helps in the pursuit of happiness. It's amusing to me. When people I've known for a long time on the street, express how happy I look, or that "you're glowing". All I can do in reply is thank them, and smile. A fan wrote to me recently, who asked how I do it. How do you motivate yourself? How do you go for the things you truly want, when mired by self-doubt? How do you not stand in your own way? It might seem from the outside that I've never been plagued by this problem. But I assure you. I have. It's tough to do it, but you have to dig deep. You have to envision the happy place that's there. The place you feel most at home. The place where you feel strongest in your abilities. Cross that threshold in your mind, and sit in that happy place.... And have faith that you and only you, can get you there. Everything that is in the way, is only an obstacle... A problem with a yet to be discovered solution... And YOU can find a way around it. You CAN get there. You can find happiness. The journey might be long, and definitely hurtful along the way... But it's there. Waiting. For you. Happiness. All you have to do is pursue it, and have faith along the way.
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