Saturday, December 29, 2012

2012: The Pursuit of Happiness

It's been my new tradition to recap my year, and make sense of it all, as I go into a new one. Which surprisingly as a writer, is not an easy task; as perhaps writing about sex, politics, or anything else in this topsy-turvy porn world we all encompass. However, I will try for you. My friends. My piglets. To make sense of what was the year 2012, and what is yet to come for 2013.

My year started out while I took a very extended vacation in Europe. I don't know about you, but for me long vacations are more about the internal journey, than they are about the experiences and the people met along the way. There is something that happens to oneself, when taken out of the daily grind and schedule of everyday life. It allows me to be closer to who I truly am, and not what my family, peers, or anyone in my regular company, have come to expect me to be. The experience of being alone in exploration of the world, allows a great deal of reflective thought. When I wrote last year's New Year entry... That's exactly where I was. Deep, in thought. Even though I seemed to be having a very fabulous time, with shoots and hot hookups in London, exploration of museums and art in Paris, and a crazy cool dance/fetish scene in Berlin... There was contemplation of what I was truly missing in my life, and what connections I really wanted to have with others on a deeper level. A transition in my life was necessary. It was that contemplation, that set the stage for the past year.

When I got back from Europe, I realized that there were friends I had... That weren't really my friends. If I wanted a deeper connection with friends, I would have to let my walls down a bit. I also would have to do more exploration of the pain and hurt I had in my life... If I wanted to let more happiness in. Ugh (eye roll). I took a trip to my hometown Toronto... And made a point of spending a great deal of time with family, both blood and chosen. It helped to center me before embarking on a path of a new me. My focus changed from playing the "Pornstar game", ie. networking, being fabulous, fucking a lot... To focusing on my health, both physical and mental, as well as communicating more with my family, or the friends I considered family. Apparently that inward change, started to be noticed by people outwardly... As photographers such as Mark Henderson shot me for a book, I was re-signed as an exclusive for Raging Stallion Studios, and I met a new friend who un-expectantly became the closest thing to a twin brother I've ever had. Something was happening, but I knew I still had more work to do.

I started psychological therapy in the spring, to exorcise some of the demons of my past. Mental-health is a taboo in this country, for some strange reason. Even though most of us could use it in one way or another... But unfortunately, the stigmas associated with mental-health don't help us as a nation to move forward; and the lack of services available make it worse for those who really need it. I never believed I was in a dire situation to really need it, but there was definitely trauma from my childhood I wasn't dealing with, which had given me some behavioral issues and a lack of trust of others. These were deeply rooted, and if I wanted to pursue a happy life... I had to dig deep, really deep.... To unearth them. I'm very lucky to live in San Francisco. A city that recognizes the importance of mental-health, as well as physical, and therefore provides these services for minimal costs or sometimes free of charge. Therapy started slow, but once it began, the inward growth happened fast. All allowing for stronger communication with family and friends, as well as giving me the strength to get rid of negative people and influences in my life. I realized who the people were in my life that truly loved me... And that restored faith in love made me decide to follow my passion for fitness, and begin my studies in the field of Personal Training / Physical Therapy. By mid summer, my life and how I regarded the people closest to me was completely different. And that's when it happened. I found him.

He is the partner I always dreamed of, but never thought was real. It made me understand that all the other times I thought I was in love before... I really wasn't. We both shake our heads on a daily basis on how fortunate we feel to have found each other... After both of us searched our entire lives for the other. I now go into this year with faith restored in love for my friends, and in true love being possible and reflected back to me. To be in love with Thomas, who is, in essence, everything I could have ever asked for, is nothing short of amazing. He makes me happier than anything or anyone I've ever known.

So, this has been my journey. This has been my year. And all the pain, anger, frustration, sadness had a reason... If it all helps in the pursuit of happiness. It's amusing to me. When people I've known for a long time on the street, express how happy I look, or that "you're glowing". All I can do in reply is thank them, and smile. A fan wrote to me recently, who asked how I do it. How do you motivate yourself? How do you go for the things you truly want, when mired by self-doubt? How do you not stand in your own way? It might seem from the outside that I've never been plagued by this problem. But I assure you. I have. It's tough to do it, but you have to dig deep. You have to envision the happy place that's there. The place you feel most at home. The place where you feel strongest in your abilities. Cross that threshold in your mind, and sit in that happy place.... And have faith that you and only you, can get you there. Everything that is in the way, is only an obstacle... A problem with a yet to be discovered solution... And YOU can find a way around it. You CAN get there. You can find happiness. The journey might be long, and definitely hurtful along the way... But it's there. Waiting. For you. Happiness. All you have to do is pursue it, and have faith along the way.

I found my happiness this year, reflected in the people I cared for the most. They have been my faith. By sharing my problems with them, they in turn by just being themselves, helped me overcome obstacles.... and finally, find happiness. However, my pursuit is far from complete, even though 2012 is almost over. The clock is chiming, and it's time for me to follow my bliss some more. Some serious writing perhaps. But... Let me leave you with this. I've never been one to really believe in resolutions, but I am a man that believes in wishes coming true. So I wish joy and happiness for everyone in 2013. May you all pursue what makes you whole and brings you to the end of your journey. Let's make the new year.... A very, very, happy one.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


  1. Congratulations on finding your man! I did the same in 2012. Best wishes!

  2. Congratulations on finding you. Much love and happiness in 2013 0xx00xx0